Winston
Beauregard
Winston is an eccentric veteran of both World Wars. Refusing to remove his flight cap out of recognition for his downed fellow pilots, he spends his days chewing on a fake tobacco pipe and yelling at his unplugged television set.
Age: indeterminate
Birthplace: Miami, FL
Favorite song: Georgia on My Mind
Favorite food: mashed potatoes, extra mashed
Sleve
McDichael
A failed stand-up comedian and underperforming travel agent, Sleve drifts through life on a wave of expired melatonin supplements and lavender tealights. His proudest moment was providing the voice of “Paraplegic Paul” in Toy Story 4. Unfortunately the character’s only scene was cut from the theatrical release.
Age: stopped counting at 29
Birthplace: Zadar, Croatia
Favorite comedian: Daniele Luttazzi
Favorite emoji: thinking face
Ira Garrett Jumping
Ira is an unemployed hat-maker, dad joke generator, and the kind of guy who plugs a wired mouse into a smartphone. His resumé includes job titles such as Milk Crate Appraiser, Hand Sanitizer Technician, and Squirrel Domesticator. He finds himself in frequent trouble with local wildlife officials due to his misinterpretation of animal husbandry.
Age: 88
Birthplace: a rubber dinghy in the middle of Lake Michigan
Favorite beverage: hot dog water
Favorite book: 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson
Cody Nonamé
Personality sponge, lurker, and international sock thief, Cody is the life of no party. He can often be found circling social gatherings in his car, endlessly debating whether or not he should park and join the fun, or go home and stare at the wall.
Age: 74 laundry cycles
Birthplace: Nameless, TN
Favorite laundry detergent: All Free & Clear
Favorite animal: llama
Rhonk Craigerson
Diehard communist by day, and a capitalist to his bones by night, this conflicted soul is the unfortunate victim of a doorknob DNA swab experiment gone wrong. Refusing to succumb to the Lovecraftian nightmare life has dealt him, Rhonk volunteers every Saturday at the local soup kitchen, where he attempts to convince the hungry that Stadia is the future of gaming. His Sundays are spent at the park, where he spends all afternoon teaching the immortal science of Marxism-Leninism to the pigeons and squirrels.
Age: all that matters is his half-inch thigh gap
Birthplace: a Monsanto laboratory
Favorite game: three-dimensional checkers
Favorite lie: "I'm married"
Todd Bonzalez
Described by his neighbors as the “nice guy” of the cul-de-sac, and the inevitable focus of a grim local news segment, Todd is currently twelve years deep into his five year plan to become a self-made man. Unintimidated by the cavalry of collection agencies after him, he continues his gain-of-function research in an abandoned Family Video store, fully confident that it will one day pay off.
Age: 44
Birthplace: Milwaukee, WI
Favorite data storage method: Remote DNA backup
Favorite movie: Falling Down
King Richard
The retired host of Another Prank Call Show, Richard now spends his days and nights trying to program his VCR, asking convenience store clerks for time travel advice, and writing his congressman in support of bringing back the two dollar bill.
Age: weeks from death
Birthplace: Beaumont Palace, Oxford, England
Favorite emotion: trust
Favorite pastime: exploiting trust